If I Acted Like My Dog Crackers, I’d Get My Ass Kicked All The Time

My little rat terrier mix Crackers has a serious Napoleon complex. He’s only 17 lbs, less than a third the size of my other dog, Miles. Because of his size (or lack of it), he has a very defensive attitude and acts like an asshole sometimes (an ADOWABLE asshole, but an asshole nonetheless). While Miles is like a big goofy teddy bear, Crackers is more like the short kid at school who tries to beat up the big guys to make himself feel bigger.

I know it’s not easy being little. I never grew past 5’3” so I understand. However, if I went around acting like Crackers does, I’d get my ass kicked A LOT.

Imagine if I walked up to someone the size of Lebron James and said “Hey, you’re taller than me. Fuck you!” and punched him in the face. Well, actually, that would be impossible unless I walked up on stilts because, as I’ve mentioned, I’m only 5’3”. It’s more likely I’d punch him in the balls due to my shortness. If it was actually Lebron, it might not be a bad idea after all the shit he’s put Cleveland fans through this year. 😡 Anyway, if I did that, I’d probably get my ass kicked.

Imagine if I met up with someone and we had exciting plans, then I suddenly peed on their leg? Major ass kicking time, no more excitement.

Imagine if I walked up to someone eating at a restaurant and stole their sandwich, then pranced around teasing them while I ate it. Cue another ass kicking.

Imagine if I decided to take a nap in someone else’s bed without their permission and when they tried to wake me so they could go to bed, I growled and tried to bite them? Well, in that case, they’d probably just call the white van and have me hauled away in a straightjacket instead of kicking my ass.

Crackers is lucky he’s so damn cute (and a dog) because no one could get away with half the shit he does. I wonder if he knows that and does it on purpose. Sometimes he does seem entirely too proud of himself.

I don’t kick his ass because, well, I’m a decent human being and I would never hurt a dog. Miles, however, steps paw to paw with him on a regular basis and tries to keep him in check, so I guess he does get some ass kickings (when he doesn’t use his evading move and grab Miles’ cheek).

Here’s Exhibit A. It looks like they’re hugging, right? It’s ADOWABLE! They were NOT hugging when I took this picture. 😂 Good thing they only play fight and generally get along.