My Very Realistic 2019 Review Of Coyote Ugly

Coyote Ugly is one of my favorite movies from the early 2000’s, and Piper Perabo is hot as fuck (yeah yeah, I’m married to a dude but I’m still allowed to be attracted to beautiful women), so of course I decided to watch it when I saw it on Showtime On Demand. As entertaining as this movie is, there are so many things about it that are totally unrealistic and/or I just could never deal with in real life.

  1. She moves into her own apartment in NYC with no job. How is that even possible? Every apartment I’ve ever lived in has required proof of income, and I’m talking about places that are $400-1000/mo tops. New York City is hella expensive and property is in high demand, so it seems very unlikely that she could secure housing there at all without a job, but especially in her own unit without roommates.
  2. Rachel the Bitch sets her up to offend the fire marshal, but it’s up to her to fix the situation and recoup the $250 fee by making Adam Garcia dance on the bar and auctioning him off to a 40-something divorcee. Rachel knew what she was doing, and I would’ve just told Lil what she did rather than accepting blame for it. It was her first night; how the fuck would she know he was the fire marshal, especially when Rachel told her to push a drink on him? What a bitch.
  3. Lil expects her to do an unfamiliar dance routine on a very narrow bar on her first night, and acts like there’s no valid reason she can’t just jump to it, no questions asked. I’m afraid of heights, so I’d never be able to dance on a bar in general (also I suck at dancing); if someone attempted to throw me into it on a moment’s notice with no training, I’d be freaking the fuck out. However, I’d be very capable of conflict management Violet-style, AKA using logic and diplomacy, and that’s how she ends up getting a second audition.
  4. Kevin really doesn’t tell her a damn thing about himself, but he acts all butthurt when she doesn’t immediately do everything he expects. It’s great that his friend owes him a favor and he’s willing to use it to help her, but he should have respected her enough to ask her first and make sure she could get off work. She needs to pay her bills too, and you haven’t even let her into your life in any capacity, so don’t expect her to drop her life for you.
  5. Why is her dad so damn helpless? He’s probably around 50 and doesn’t know how to do laundry or make a meal? My husband is 30 and has never had an issue doing his own laundry or making something to eat if he’s hungry. Why do movies insist on portraying men as helpless oafs who need women to do every basic thing for them? Honestly, it’s demeaning to both women and men.
  6. What is the deal with Lil not allowing her employees to have significant others?! That’s WAY beyond the scope of power a boss should have. She is to appear available at all times but not be available? What kind of relationship thrives when it’s blooming in secret? Also, she should be able to be a hot bartender who openly has a boyfriend and is not okay with being groped/harassed by random strangers. Last time I checked, that was a perfectly normal thing among bartenders. Way to protect your staff from sexual harassment, Lil.
  7. On the night she’s supposed to sing her song at The Elbow Room, Lil claims she’s cool with her leaving but then falls back on her word when the bar is busy and she sees the dollar signs. I mean, employers not giving a shit about their employees is nothing new to me, but this movie is supposed to highlight the relationship between Violet and Lil too, and Lil really missed the boat.
  8. Kevin decides to sublet his apartment and move to Chicago without even having a conversation with Violet. After the wild ride they’ve had, you’d think he would want to tie up the loose ends before making such a big decision. Apparently he was cool with just ghosting her because she dared to maintain her autonomy. Fucker.
  9. Violet still got him that stupid fucking comic book he “lost” because his dumb ass scheduled her to go onstage without checking to see if she was definitely available that night. It must have been his good looks and Australian accent, because that’s some seriously fucked up shit he pulled.
  10. I still prefer Piper Perabo singing “Can’t fight the moonlight” to LeAnn Rimes. No offense to LeAnn.
  11. Violet auctions her dad off at the bar during her celebration party with LeAnn Rimes, and that’s just awkward/creepy. I’m so eternally thankful I’ve never had to deal with either of my parents being single. It’s truly a luxury having parents who are both around and still married to each other. That way, I don’t have to deal with the awkwardness of acknowledging my parents as sexual beings. Yikes.

So overall, yep this is one entertaining movie as long as you keep it in the narrow context of the early 2000’s, when we apparently just accepted that men were generally incapable of taking care of themselves but their romantic gestures were always 100% honorable, even when you end up being successful despite the man’s temper tantrum/lack of support/attempt to ghost.

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