I have really weird dreams sometimes, and they rarely make sense immediately upon waking up. I attribute my likelihood of having weird dreams to a few different possible sources:
1. My super fun anxiety
2. My penchance for cheap Franzia wine late at night
3. My overactive writer imagination
4. My weird ass life and history in general
Last night, I had another one of those weird dreams, but this one was different because I knew the meaning of it immediately when I woke up.
At the beginning of the dream, I was riding in a large RV and my ex-boyfriend was driving. Let me clarify at this point that it was my shitty ex of nine years who was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. This man (if you can even call him that) destroyed my self-esteem and made me feel like I didn’t deserve to be treated better. Fuck that guy.
Anyway, we were at a gas station and he was being a jerk to me about something trivial like always. In this case, he was mad that I wanted to take 2 minutes to go wash my hands because I had just eaten lunch and I hate sticky stuff on my hands. I didn’t want to deal with the drama, so I just splashed some water from my bottle and said fuck it.
My dreams tend to fade from scene to scene like a low budget movie, so the next thing I remember was sitting in the driver’s seat of the RV as it was parked in a garage. My ex was gone; it was just me. Without even considering the closed garage door before me, I hit the gas and drove the RV right through the garage door in a moment of zero-fucks-given glory. I kept driving, and ended up back at the same gas station.
This time, the gas station was different. I went in to get something to drink and suddenly ran into my husband, and he recognized me immediately. We started talking and I was just so happy to see him. He was a little distracted though, because he said that suddenly the seats of his Honda turned into vinyl. Sure enough, he was driving the same Honda Civic but the seats were different. I really don’t know why that detail came into play, but the rest of the dream makes perfect sense.
Obviously, the dream was meant to remind me of how my relationship with my abusive ex was ridiculously toxic and I wasn’t in control of it (that’s why he was driving), but getting rid of him wasn’t enough to get past the trauma. I was in the driver’s seat, but I still had to hit that gas pedal and drive through the figurative garage door of his emotional manipulation in order to be truly free. Once I did that, I found my husband, and suddenly the worst problem that existed was the car seats magically changing fabric. That part still baffles me, but it’s still a happy ending.
I think my subconscious made this doozy of a dream up in order to illustrate how far I’ve come in getting rid of the toxic ex, finding my self-esteem again, and finding the great relationship I deserve.
If you’re in an abusive relationship or know someone who is, feel free to comment or message my page privately via the “contact” option on the main menu for support. I know what it’s like, and I write about these things because I know how hard it is to get out when you’re being manipulated into thinking everything is your fault and you don’t deserve the best. Even if I don’t know you, I’m your friend, and you do deserve the best. 😊
Musings of a Dog Mom 